Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Cocktails you can drink and not look like a bitch

Let's be honest, nobody likes beer shits, but they are like an annoying 'friend' that enriches your life in no way, and yet is ever present, generally annoying the Fuck out of you (I'm happy to say I've been that friend to a great many people). Add to that the fact that beer makes you godawfully fat over a a period of prolonged use and you wonder what the Fucking point is if all it does is get you drunk and taste like God's breast milk ought to taste like, in the event that God may actually be female. Women already know all this, and being that both these downsides are anathema to prim and proper womanhood, the cocktail industry is here to provide stable employment as well as a nearly infinite supply of small change and oversexed older women for a legion of our civilizations finest actors - I mean bartenders.
The problem for those of us who are packing rolled coins as opposed to a change purse is that drinking anything other than Beer, shots, or highballs, or flaming sambuccas makes you look like a flaming homosexual, or at the very least, someone who is likely easy to rob. Well don't worry, here's a bunch of cocktails you can drink and still look like a man, so shut up you Fuckin baby.

Oh yeah, and before we start, you should keep in mind that you need to ditch straws and garnishes alike - after all it's hard not to look like a fruit if you've already got fruit all over your rim, and no Hollywood scout is going to notice you and cast you as the lead in Don Juan: 2010 if you are basically sucking on a miniature penis. So anyways, here are your best bets for taking the 'cock' out of 'cocktail'


Caesars are Fucking awesome. They taste great, they will get you drunk just as fast as you please, and plus you add Tobasco Sauce to it - there are no frilly-assed women's drinks that require you to add Tabasco sauce. The downside of course is that if you are drinking this one to improve your overall bathroom experience, you are barking up the wrong tree my friend. The upside is that it's easy to imagine you're drinking Fucking blood. And get rid of the celery salt. Throw it in the drink if you like it that much but you're drinking straight from the glass, you don't need that shit crusted around your lips, or do I really need to tell you that you're opening the door to all kinds of abuse that way?


Basically, just take every clear 80 proof alcohol you can find and mix it with 2 things that have nothing to do with Iced Tea, which are cola and margarita mix, and you get something that tastes strangely like Iced Tea. Not as strange, it gets you hammered very quickly.


Lets face it, it's not the 1960's, and you sure as Fuck aren't Sean Connery. That being the case, anything in a Martini glass is unacceptable at UFC parties. Of course they didn't have UFC in the 60's either. In any case, Martinis are still a pretty good drink, and once you slam that Fucker in a rocks glass, you are golden.


As if the name isn't Fucking enough for you, the Rusty Nail is one of the most manly drinks you can get. First of all, nothing is more manly than Scotch. Second of all, if you are going to add anything to it, then add WHISKEY LIQUER to it. It's like mixer that is just as potent as the shit you are mixing it with. So drink up, bitch. An alternative to this is a Godfather, which is Scotch and Amaretto, and if anybody gives you shit about that, then you can always cut off a horses head and put it in bed with the Fuckin cunt, so they have a nice surprise when they wake up in the morning.


Why? Because THIS, that's why:


OK, I know brightly coloured drinks are borderline at best. But lets be realistic. The key ingredient to Zombies are 151 proof rum. The other key ingredients are white rum, amber rum, and dark rum. Yeah yeah, there's juice too, but this is a drink you can light on fire. If some douche canoe with an Affliction shirt on and a Coors Light in his hand starts giving you a hard time for drinking one, just tell him you can't hear him over your 75% alcohol, and he can have a cold certified broken rib sandwich if he's got a problem with that.



Otherwise its just a Fucking highball


Here you are introducing three completely different chemicals to your digestive system, and they don't always get along. Most people know what the Fuck you are drinking when they see one, and even though it isn't the manliest looking drink out there, they can usually appreciate why it's called a Paralyzer. Because it will make you puke all over your Fucking pants.


Just kidding.


Let's face it it, appearances are everything. You want to really not Fuck around? You want to really not drink beer and still make people think you'll put their head through the God damned jukebox if they give you a dirty look? Don't Fuck around. Drink a triples glass full of Fucking whiskey.

Now Fuck off and go get drunk

No comments:

Post a Comment